Tag Archives: Stats

Food in SMK part two: Let Them Eat Cake

IMHO, drinks are a necessary evil. Why drink when you can eat more?? Following on from the first post on SMK drinks in Season 1 and 2, we’ll get to the good stuff:  with an exploration of SMK food thumbsup .

Dangerous food
Food can be dangerous if you’re an intelligence agent (or civilian auxillary shudder  ) It can also be  a very helpful tool, as rookie Amanda found out The First Time. She made quick use of a melon and a box of oranges to divert attention and save the Agency from Mrs Welch and blabbermouth Francine.


Then Amanda stopped the baddies in their tracks by sneaking some sugar in the car engine (who said sugar was poison? This must have been what they meant). Hard as it is for me to admit it sigh , we have Phillip to thank for this idea.

Amanda is meeting Lee at Milo’s Daffy Dog stand (I am not Now, Nor Have I Ever Been A Spy) and gets kidnapped by a baddie while Lee is on the phone (still relaxed from the eucalyptus steam) and she’s awaiting their chilli dogs.


When Amanda misses breakfast and brings an orange to eat at the office, Lee eats the orange

which results in Amanda eating Lee’s “chicken on white extra mayo” (Delirious on Arrival) – here is irrefutable evidence that fructose is bad for you (or at least your partner) crazy !

Is the prospect of Francine preparing food dangerous? (or at the very least scary!) After her cooking lessons with Mrs Welch in the First Time and her loose-lips…

…maybe we should be a bit careful of food that Francine comes in contact with.
What else did Mrs Welch teach Francine in her private “cooking” classes? What really went into the sandwich which she makes Amanda while babysitting Amanda following the poisoning by chicken-with-extra-mayo incident (Delirious on Arrival)
Billy’s sneaky doughnut. Dangerous to his reputation shocked ? Dangerous to his health? Raul has it all captured on film in Filming Raul:
Baked goods not only cause long-term health damage but acute musculoskeletal injuries – as Lee and his toe found out when he had a close encounter with a the Bombers’ fundraising brownie made by Mrs Scott (The Mole).


As Jestress pointed out in her Improvised Weapons post, Amanda found a new use for canned cream in distracting and blinding baddies (You only die twice).

Lee has got into some rather icy spots (or should I say “jams” wink ); first when he was left among the meat in the Freezer (but at least he was wearing a tux at the time – Charity Begins At Home).
And then a baddie mistook him for a piece of meat which needed to mature a bit longer (Life of the Party) – many of us would argue that this was an accurate portrayal of early SMK Lee wink !

Finally, baddies have a nasty habit of destroying perfectly good food.
Gunshot wreaked lunch at the Princess’s (Waiting for Godorsky)

And Lee contributed to the destruction!
And a delicious breakfast (with beautiful scenery and even better hair faint ) exploded at Tegernsee (Our Man in Tegernsee).


Make sure you avoid “filler” because who knows what that might do to you..
Finally, any houseproud woman (ie not Learjet) would feel appalled at what happened when evil twin Karen got into Amanda’s kitchen (Odds on a Dead Pigeon).

Cake has an important part to play in Season 1 and 2 SMK. Amanda seems to spend a lot of time in the Maplewood drive kitchen during her early period of employment for IFF. We spot her baking a cake (Saved by the Bells).S1E8_baking_cake_Amanda
To the surprise of Awful Eva, Lee (I-only-drink-coffee-in-the-morning) picks at Amanda’s cake for breakfast (Lost and Found).
Ever the attentive mother (well, until Season 3), Amanda produces Phillip’s birthday cake (Fearless Dotty) S1E19_Phillip_cake
Did she bake this herself?? Any thoughts? It’s quite a work of art and beyond Learjet’s abilities.

She’s happy to share, giving Billy an apple pie which she’s baked.
(I wonder how it compares to Jeannie’s Christmas cakes? wink )

She even gives a cake to the Princess to follow her meatloaf, because she seems lonely and struggling financially smile  (Waiting for Godorsky).
When she’s competing for Mother of the Year, she has to produce a cake to prove herself worth the title, but it all goes horribly wrong, thanks to “Officer” Tuggy (A Little Sex, a Little Scandal).

(Just wondering why being able to produce a good cake makes you an amazing mother? )

She even shares one of her Mother of the Year cakes with Lee (I’m assuming it’s not the one containing Tuggy’s cigar ash), thereby saving Randy from a ghastly fate: partly frozen cake (A Little Sex, a Little Scandal)
Sadly (or not so sadly, depending on your point of view), Randy doesn’t trust a man that receives cakes from other women.

Finally, Fake Joe survived long enough to appear in Season 3 when a cake cushions his fall from upstairs (although Learjet laments the waste of perfectly good cake – Murder between Friends).

So what’s the verdict? Is it safe to eat cake? Can you trust food around spies and baddies? What do you think about food in SMK? Next up: SMK characters and food! bye


Food in SMK part one: SMK Beverages

 welcome to this little departure from our normal walk to explore the food and drink of SMK with Learjet. I have the dubious distinction of having had beverage-related job and qualification (plus I really like food and SMK) so this post seemed a natural fit for me. Watch out for Learjet’s drinking tips in this first post…

Juice and soda
A popular breakfast drink in the King household (If Thoughts Could Kill),

beware of OJ…because SMK baddies like it for breakfast too (Service Above and Beyond).
Learjet’s Tip no 1: Orange juice may transform you into a baddie. Consume it with caution.

Soda or as I like to call it: fizzy drinks. Without getting into debates about the pros and cons of sugar, it’s a popular choice, with Amanda “the journalist” enjoying one on the sports’ field (Sudden Death) – in fact, it may be a way of attracting a kiss whether you want it…yes

E1S9 Kiss after soda
Or not shudder

S1E9 unwanted kiss after soda
Lee or Bela? Now who would I choose? I just don’t know spin

Learjet’s Tip no 2: A soda might get you a kiss…but maybe not from the right person.

Amanda’s lemonade made the perfect birthday party drink…

…however her smoothies (The ACM Kid), while showing Amanda to be ahead of her time, were evidently less palatable.
Did Phillip share this with Alexei? Flush it done the loo? Or force-feed it to Jamie as cruel and unusual form of sibling punishment?

One of those iconic moments in SMKdrool1  (Ship of Spies)


Learjet’s tip no 3: Buy milk. Your chances of finding Lee will rise (as high as your chances of winning the lottery crazy ). (Anyone know what type of milk that is? Full-fat? Low-fat?Just so I can increase the odds cool_shades )

It seems that Lee likes milk in his coffee (The Three Faces of Emily)

and Amanda likes her milk au naturel

or with cookies (if she’s got amnesia and it’s a strange man offering it to her)


Possibly the beverage most strongly associated with the SMK baddie is tea. And it’s not about the tea, it’s all about presentation.

Learjet’s tip no 4: If you don’t want to be mistaken for a baddie, drink your tea out of a plain white cup with matching teapot. No gilt or decorative swirls allowed.

Baddie teacups and pot:

1. Failed tip 4 due to presence of gilt (Fearless Dotty)

2. Failed tip 4 due to colour of cups and pot (Saved by the Bells)

3. Failed tip 4 due to material and style of pot (The Long Christmas Eve)

4. Oops, the Princess had better be careful that the Agency doesn’t arrest her for baddie tea behaviour shocked (Waiting for Godorsky) 

Both Dotty and Amanda enjoy a nice cup of tea.
Note the muted, restrained colour and style of their tea equipment (I Am Not Now, Nor Have I Ever…).

It has  the added bonus that Dean’s mom doesn’t like it – look at that sour face – I am Not Now, Nor Have I Ever….).

Oops, that teashop is suspicious. Be careful, Dotty and Amanda! (Fearless Dotty)

And finally, did Lee and Amanda have tea at Buckingham Palace (To Catch a Mongoose)? Or did Amanda settle for Claridges?

Lee and Amanda have tea and cucumber sandwiches with Lord Bromfield after the leak of the “affair” between Lord Bromfield and Amanda (Affair of Bromfield Hall).

Coffee in SMK means…Lee’s coffee mug thumbsup

The thermos cup just isn’t good enough for S1 Lee
And for those who thinks Lee’s legs are more than OK (and further proof that he like his coffee wink )

Learjet tip no 5: Lee needs his coffee. In the right mug.

There were some bad coffee moments with Eva and Angelo after dinner (Lost and Found)
and Magda demanding coffee from Amanda
(Dead Ringer)

But also swoony coffee moments (it’s the hair, the European hair faint – The Legend of Das Geisterschloss)

or Lee opening up to Amanda (Burnout).
And who could forget the KGB agent (aka Emily) in the Three Faces of Emily

or Pearl the persistent waitress (they just want coffee, Pearl! – A Relative Situation)
And for those fans of Neds: coffee at Neds discussing car repairs (Car Wars).
You’re generally safe if someone is drinking coffee, with the exception of this baddie (Fearless Dotty).

Given the era during which SMK takes, we see surprisingly few hip flasks snuck out of jacket pockets in the Bullpen or tumblers with two fingers of whisky in Billy’s office – rather unusually for this time period. Agents are seen drinking when under cover. Which brings me to the first booze sighting in the series (and also, the first tux yes ) when Lee poses as a waiter just before he meets Amanda for The First Time.

Other undercover booze moments include one of my favourite SMK moments ever: “And frankly, Ricky Joe, sex with you was always a major disappointment…” (The ACM Kid).
S1E5 Frankly Ricky Joe
Then there’s the infamous Strawberry Daiquiris made by reluctant “husband” Lee for all their neighbours (There goes the Neighbourhood)
Another good moment (if you can forget the unfortunate incident with the Porsche at the end of the episode) is when Amanda and Lee help out at the auction, Lee going undercover as a cocktail waiter (in a tux drool1 ) in Charity Begins at Home. See how well he cuts a lemon?
Then there’s the unfortunate beer-spilling moment in Munich. Oh Amanda, how could you be so clumsy (and Lee how could you wear that shirt? It deserves to be drowned in beer yuck – The Times They Are a Changin’)

Learjet’s tip number 5: Don’t wear loud Hawaiian shirts unless you’re Magnum PI – otherwise someone might “accidentally” spill her drink on you

Thank goodness Lee avoids a similar incident later in the same episode (and he’s changed. And he’s got “the hair”)
Speaking of hair, do you remember this undercover “vodka” moment in the Three Faces of Emily gross ?
Does this whisky moment make you feel a bit better (Service Above and Beyond)?
Finally, there’s the poignant scenes with Burnout Lee and his boozing.
(keep that hand to yourself, Lee!)

Occasionally we see our favourite agents indulging when not strictly on duty – Francine at the Princess’s party (Waiting for Godorsky).
Champagne deserves a special mention here. After Christmas punch at the Bullpen (ah, the 80’s smile ),
and vodka (and beans) with the Russians in The Long Christmas Eve,
Lee recovers in hospital with a sneaky bottle of Champagne. S1E10_Champagne_breakfast_hospital_Lee
hen we see the beautiful European scenery (and Lee’s beautiful hair) while he’s again enjoying a glass (The Legend of Das Geisterschloss)
Next we have to see the cheap Champagne for Randy – Amanda kindly reminds Lee to remove the price- tag. It seems that Randy is of a similar quality as the Champagne… S2E14_Randi_cheap_Champagne

Learjet’s equation no 1: Cheap Champagne=Cheap date

And finally for the most bizarre of the Champagne moments…the imaginary Casablanca Champagne moment, a figment of Amanda’s chicken salad sandwich-addled brain.

Learjet’s equation no 2: Poisoned chicken salad sandwich + Imaginary Champagne = Everything goes red

Before I close off this look back on drinks in Season one and two SMK, I want to issue a warning:

Learjet’s tip number 6: Baddies like posh drinks, especially spirits. Beware of suspicious people who drink expensive alcohol in ornate glassware.





And my final final warning is:
warningsign Learjet’s tip number 7: Drink in moderation, JWWM’ers. And remember not to drink on an empty stomach. (Note the empty snack bowl between Lee and Amanda wink )

All that Lee asks is that you can choose a “small but provocative selection of wines” (Remembrance of Things Past”

Which is your favourite Season 1 and 2 drink moment? Have I missed out any good ones? Look forward to hearing from you!

Improvised Weapons by Jestress

This post comes from guest writer Jestress.  Jestress has been following the walk at JWWM and writing fan fiction for SMK for a couple of years.  She enjoys the quirky humor of SMK and referring to herself in the third person.  Now, she would like to discuss the unconventional weapons used in SMK and offer tips for those looking to fend off attacking enemy agents using items readily available in your own homes or public places.  Enjoy! smile Special thanks to KC for helping me with pictures and suggestions! smile

Weapons Skills

LeeGun5Weapons skills are essential to secret agents. In defense of your country, yourselves, and your fellow agents, you may be called upon to use all manner of weaponry from the most basic to the extremely complex. A gun is basic spy equipment, and every field agent needs to know how to use one. The well-trained spy should be an accurate marksman with  different types. Lee Stetson (aka Scarecrow), for example, carries a handgun at all times, often concealed in a shoulder holster under his jacket. He is also an excellent marksman with rifles and machine guns.
LeeGun3 LeeGun2

AmandaShootingSimulator Even Amanda King, in spite
of her initial reluctance, eventually learns basic marksmanship. However, even before then, she found other ways of defending herself and defeating enemy agents.  Mastery of conventional weaponry should never blind an agent to the other possibilities . . .

Improvised Weapons

“An agent has to think on his feet.”

— Billy Melrose in Ship of Spies

For a creative person with good instincts, there is no end to the possible weapons that you can improvise, ordinary objects that can be used for attack or self-defense. The world is just chock full of things that you can use to harm, disarm, or terrify others!

Even though he has professional weapons training, Scarecrow has been known to improvise a weapon or two when necessary. Besides being a good shot, he is a skilled swordsman with fencing swords, and he has proven that he is equally skilled with pool cues, pitchforks, and lawn flamingos (Remembrance of Things Past, Three Faces of Emily, Affair at Bromfield Hall, and There Goes the Neighborhood).

LeeDueling LeeDuelingFlamingo LeeDuelingPitchforks2 PoolCue

But Amanda King is definitely the Queen of Improvised Weapons, using more of them than anyone else in the Agency. Perhaps because she finds the violence of conventional weapons distasteful, Amanda has developed a knack for using whatever is close at hand in creative ways to defend herself and others.

Her improvised weapons are non-lethal, although in the right (or wrong?) hands, some of them could do considerable harm. Some of them are used mainly as forms of temporary distraction until help arrives or to disarm an enemy wielding a more conventional weapon. Others mainly function to temporarily blind or trip up the enemy, allowing Amanda or others to outmaneuver him or her. Amanda is also a master with various forms of blunt instruments, which can be used to fend off an enemy or render him or her unconscious. Whatever you need in terms of personal defense, rest assured that there is likely a solution close at hand, and Amanda King is just the person to show you!

So, without further ado, here is Amanda King’s guide to the ordinary objects that can be used against enemy agents:

Blinding Weapons

Need something to startle the enemy or blind them temporarily? No problem!

HairSprayHair Spray: Not only does it provide a firm hold, kills insects, and is a key component in many household hints, it can be used as an effective alternative of mace (There Goes the Neighborhood).
DrinkinFace Drink to the Face: Certainly much less harmful than mace, there is no need to beware of “friendly fire.” In fact, it can be useful for letting off steam at a partner who can be a little high-handed at times. Available in alcoholic and non-alcoholic varieties, excellent for use in bars, restaurants, parties, and other social situations. (The ACM Kid)


Camera: Having one with a bright flash is vital. Camera strap is optional. Remember to carry extra batteries. Minoring in photojournalism helps. (Sudden Death)


Garden Hose: Effective when used on car windshields and much cheaper than going to a car wash. Do not stand immediately in front of the moving vehicle. Wipe windows well afterward to prevent streaking. (Fearless Dotty)

Whipped Cream: Attacked while bringing home the groceries? Use that can of whipped cream to cause a distraction! Assume crash position if you’re in a moving vehicle. (You Only Die Twice)

WhippedCream1 WhippedCream2

Bed Sheet: Ordinary bed sheets are plentiful, whether in the BedSheetsuburban home, stores that sell household goods, or laundries, and are a good choice when trying to obscure someone’s vision. Also makes an easy but classical costume on Halloween. (Vigilante Mothers)
(He would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling housewives! wink  )

Hair Dryer with Sand
: Hair dryers are not inherently dangerous (unless they’re being used to smuggle guns), but in combination with fine sand, they can create a blinding cloud. Can also be used with other forms of powder. Simply add powder to opening of dryer and turn it on. A battery-operated hair dryer allows for more freedom of movement than one that plugs into a wall outlet. Be sure that it is “loaded” with batteries prior to use. Aim directly for the face of your enemy and fire when you see the whites of his eyes! (DOA: Delirious on Arrival)

HairDryer DryingCrystal

Household Hints: Hair dryers are also useful for taking the itch out bug bites and for drying crystal when you really need it dry in a hurry!

Blunt Instruments

The ever-popular generic weapon from old murder mysteries, it comes in a wide range of forms, many of which can be found in a typical suburban home. It need not be used lethally and can be effective for self-defense in many situations.  Here is a handy list of places where they can be found around the house:

In the Kitchen:


Meat Tenderizer: You may have a better hammer, but in this end of the house, the meat tenderizer is definitely the bashing weapon of choice. It is the perfect weapon when you find someone hiding in your hall closet. (Fearless Dotty)


Frying Pan: A classic weapon, also found in many cartoon shows. Cast iron is excellent, but requires a bit of strength to wield. Copper is also effective.  Used correctly, it can render a grown man unconscious. (Charity Begins at Home)


Plastic Bin or Tub: Perhaps something like a large dishpan or storage container. Because the plastic is fairly light-weight, it’s unlikely that you could use it to render someone unconscious, but it could startle or distract them. (Life of the Party)


Mop: Not restricted to the kitchen, it is definitely useful for keeping things tidy and clearing out unwanted visitors! Demonstrated by Emily. Cleaning lady outfit optional. (Three Faces of Emily)

LeeChair2 Kitchen Chair: Restaurant/bar chairs and other chairs are also acceptable options as long as they are light enough to pick up and swing. Lee demonstrates this tactic with a chair in a pool hall. Do not expect the chair to be useable afterward. (Three Faces of Emily)

In the Living Room:

Lamp Table Lamp: Available in a wide variety of styles and colors that can match any décor. Guaranteed to make burglars and would-be abductors think twice before messing with you again. (Brunettes Are In)

: The bigger, the better. Also, the cheaper, the better, because if it’s glass, china, or pottery, it’s going to break. Leaves a messy cleanup, but good for rendering someone unconscious. Could be lethal if heavy enough. (DOA: Delirious on Arrival)

Vase1 Vase2

Random Objects:

PoolBall Billiard Ball: Found in pool halls and the occasional rumpus room. An excellent choice if your aim is good. (Three Faces of Emily)

Briefcase: For the discerning business man or woman who needs to hit somebody with something. Offers the possibility of planting additional weapons or defense mechanisms inside. (Welcome to America, Mr. Brand)

Briefcase1 Briefcase2

Purse: Appears innocent and is easily portable. Use whatever style Purse2matches your outfit that day. Purses with long straps are good for swinging. For added impact, place a tiny doorknob in the bottom of the purse. (If Thoughts Could Kill and A Class Act)


Baseball Bat: Good bashing weapon. Remember to check your target before you deliver the blow! Available wherever sporting goods are sold. (Spiderweb)


Large Stick: Kind of like a baseball bat in a more natural setting. Type of wood matters less than size and sturdiness, but those interested in tree identification should consult the Junior Trailblazers Handbook. (Burn Out)


Boat Oar – The nautical version of a stick or a baseball bat. Don’t lose it if you still need it to paddle your boat! (Flight to Freedom)

Tripping Up the Enemy

Sometimes, you’re not really trying to harm anyone but maybe trip them up a little or knock a weapon out of their hands. There are many possibilities for this purpose, but here are some of Amanda’s favorites:
Net – Not found in all environments, but when available, it’s excellent for bringing down baddies and keeping them contained. Classic element of Scooby-Doo traps. (Fred would be proud! laughing And, if you can’t toss it or drop it on someone, you could always shoot it down. (Flight to Freedom and Over the Limit)

Net AmandaShootingNet Car Doors: Perfect for stopping the running baddie! Of course, to do this, you really need to be in a car, and for various reasons, you may not want to stay there. Weigh the benefits against other options. (Waiting for Godorsky and Reach for the Sky)

CarDoor CarDoor2


Hanging Meat: A little esoteric, unless you’re used to fighting people in a meat-packing company, but certainly effective. Shower well afterward. (Life of the Party)


Wooden Board: Easily found at construction sites, sometimes in sizable stacks. Comes in different lengths. (Odds on a Dead Pigeon)


Cords/Cables: Classic tripping weapons, especially when strategically-placed. Watch for when enemies are near them. (Car Wars)

ToolChest Tool Chest: Too heavy to lift but easily moveable because they tend to be mounted on wheels. Give it a good shove into the person you want to stop. (A Relative Situation)

SuitofArmor2Suit of Armor: Also a little esoteric, but still found in fancy houses, castles, and museums. It helps if the suit of armor is also armed. (Murder Between Friends)

Boxes Boxes: Especially good when in stacks that can be knocked over. Most effective when the highest box is higher than your opponent’s head. (Over the Limit)

Psychological Weapons

Want to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies without actually hurting them? If you don’t have a weapon and can’t find one, you can use some trickery and intimidation to distract them or get them to back down.


Your Own Hands: Point them like you’re holding a gun and yell “Freeze!” It will take your enemy a moment to realize that you’re actually unarmed, providing a useful distraction. (The First Time)


Piece of Pipe: The round shape of the end can feel like the barrel of a gun to a baddie who can’t see what you’re really holding. It can be used in place of a weapon in an emergency, as long as you use it behind the other person’s back. (Ship of Spies)


Blackmail Material: Often takes the form of embarrassing photographs, although there are many other possible options. Blackmail can be used to intimidate and influence your enemies or obtain information and/or money from people who would otherwise be unwilling to supply it. In a less threatening form, it can be used to convince your partner to give you the attention you deserve and a nice dinner as well. (A Little Sex, A Little Scandal, and J. Edgar’s Ghost)

Last, but not least, the number one best tool for psychological intimidation:

Toilet Brush: Tested against Francine Desmond. No actual harm done, but test subject begged, negotiated, and attempted bribery to avoid her fate. Further testing may be indicated. (Life of the Party)


Just keep your wits about you and think on your feet! Be safe out there, agents, and keep in mind that the world contains many otherwise innocent items which you can use to make the world more dangerous for everyone else. Have a nice day! wave