And, without further ado (honest, I mean it this time!)
The Third “Annual”
Golden Teacup Awards TM
*Disclaimer and other legal stuff: Scoring criteria for the Golden Teacup Awards will be held to the same rigorous standard as Olympic Russian Ice Dancing Judges and will be as clear and transparent (and make as much sense) as the plot of “We’re Off to See the Wizard.” Results have been verified by Warren Beatty and the accounting firm of Price-Waterhouse because they did such a bang up job at the Oscars this year. (Yes, I am blaming Warren and not Faye Dunaway. ‘Wow, I think something is wrong with the ballot, instead of calling someone over for clarification, I’ll just hand it to Faye without telling her I think something is wrong. It is not like there is any chance she will think I can’t read the print, or am being a gentleman and letting her announce the winner. What could possibly go wrong?’ Not cool Warren, not cool!). I am also getting feedback that some of you would spring the unholy trio of Nick Cross, Eva Spinelli and Sinclair (and probably General Zod while you are at it!) from the Phantom Zone and give them awards. Maybe we can do a fan favourite or a March Madness bracket type awards show for your input.*
Again, I am your host CindyDee and I am pleased to FINALLY announce the Golden Teacup winners for Season Three.
The Golden Teacups had its illustrious start several (which means in I am too lazy to look up the exact date) years ago when IWSOD and the readers of Justwalkwithme realized that SMK had its own baddie short hand to identify villains. It is too predictable and boring just to use sinister music or lighting to indicate the bad guys, the writers give us a heads up that these people are up to no good with the following clues:
The Badlydressedbad guyTM (BDBG)– as the show starts to take itself more seriously, we see less of the BDBG , this meme was more prevalent in season one and early season two.
If the antagonist was more cultured and refined, we got treated to the sight of the Baddie PhoneTM and/or an elaborate tea service for which the Golden Teacup Awards are named.
(Even though the award is called the Golden Teacup, it is not necessary for the recipient to be spotted drinking tea, but it certainly doesn’t hurt his or her chances to be caught doing so!)
Our Fifth place Golden Teacup award is awarded to
**5. Reach for the Sky – Daisy**
Daisy is a lean, mean, French braided, fighting machine and she doesn’t even have a last name. Heck, with someone as awesome as she is, doesn’t need one!! I love the contradiction between her name and the kick ass assassin she is.
She is a one person HR department – problems with your underlings? No problem — call Daisy and she will ‘dispatch’ them for you!
Yep. I doubt anyone will be hiring Zorbel anytime soon after that reprimand.
Don’t bother with ineffective written warnings, Daisy will show ‘your pain in the neck employee’ what that phrase truly means.
Daisy Dispatch is Charles Canaan’s right hand ‘man’ – she is Francine’s counterpart but more hands on, more respected and waaaaaaay better dressed than her (for all you Francine fans out there – don’t blame me; blame the writers! And the wardrobe department!).
Our gal Daisy is a hyper competent assassin who is as comfortable behind a computer screen setting up a satellite link to steal a billion dollars
as she is handling a gun or engaging in hand to hand combat
*and not a hair out of place. How does she do that?*
Of course I was not happy she beat the snot out of StuntLee, but it was impressive none-the-less.
When Billy went rogue (coincidently in the same episode), the whole agency quickly fell apart with Francine at the helm. I get the feeling that in a similar situation, Daisy would run the organization with a ruthless efficiency until the boss returned.
Alas, she was no match for Amanda’s station wagon’s door.
Don’t worry Daisy fans this is stuntDaisy. (Still a decent French braid) I think real Daisy is just tired and wants to take a nap
*Still not a hair out of place!*
Being a One Woman Show of Awesome all the time must be exhausting!
Our 4th place Golden Teacup Award goes to
**4. Dead Men Leave No Trails Steven Sallee/ ‘Alan’**
Seriously, Amanda, whenever anyone introduces himself as Alan – you run for the hills, or at the very least call for backup. Because if Alan is not trouble, trouble is certainly following close by. We had previous season one winner Alan Squires/Art Garfunkel, (the Artful Dodger)
*Look! A Baddie drinking from a Teacup!*
who squeaked in my top 5 by decking petulant whiny cranky boy Lee and Season Three Alan ‘The Chin’ Chamberlain (A Lovely Little Affair)
who takes time out from worrying his kidnapped baby sister may be killed at any moment to hit on Amanda. His brotherly concern is so touching *eyeroll*.
One of the reasons ‘Alan’/ Sallee cracks the top five because of his eyes, those intense, unblinking, menacing eyes. Sallee meeting Amanda for the second time
He is definitely not a happy camper
Here is a closer look.
Pretty spooky, right? They made such an impression on Amanda (burning into her psyche and ours) that she was able to recognize him from a blurry slide while she was standing at the back of a room and she couldn’t even see his eyes properly in the photo. Dang! She is good!
**Steven Sallee Fun Fact!**
*Did you know that Steven still holds the record for longest unbeaten streak in staring contests at his elementary and junior high schools? He was defeated once in high school (he was suffering a nasty case of pink eye at the time,) but regained the title when the winner suddenly disappeared under mysterious circumstances and didn’t show up for the rematch.*
Sallee was a consummate cold blooded killer who faked his death and bedazzled the lonely and slightly crazy Millicent as he plotted his triumphant comeback and revenge. He gets serious points for having electricity as a hobby (okay, Millicent. Nothing weird about that) and being able to manufacture some light bulbs out of explosives that look close enough and functional enough to the real thing that no one notices the switch. He also gains cred by somehow getting the reception switched *back* to the hotel he was working at. Or maybe he was working *all* the hotels in the area, carefully juggling his shifts so he could make sure he could pull the old ‘light bulb switcheroo’. This is a very busy and superorganized guy.
*Poor Millicent — not a teadrinking baddie…… Or is she?*
Why is Steven/Alan so low in the rankings when many of us thought he was a contender for top spot? He lost some serious BadBoy cred in my books by coming undone in the end and for some bizarre reason decides to kill everyone who has ever seen him so as not to draw attention to himself. Because nothing allows you to fly under the radar like a trail of dead bodies, especially *after* your victims had already talked to the person tracking you. (Unfortunately, I do believe Millicent was doomed the moment he answered her ‘room for rent’ ad, but why was the sandwich guy killed?) He further slipped in the rankings by running into the room he forgot he had rigged up to explode — and why did he set the timer to go off so soon after the reception started? You know those things always run late! These really bad, unforgivable rookie mistakes cost Sallee the top spot.
GAH! I am really itching to rewrite the ending. Sallee showed such promise and totally fizzled in the end. Here are a few alternatives: Sallee takes Van Cleef hostage instead of Francine, tries to escape through rear doors but they are blocked by the cart of lobster tails (the coincidences are already so unbelievable in this episode, might as well add a few more!). Francine sees the lights flicker, jumps in and rescues Van Kleef , pushing him under a table and they and they leave the ballroom still bickering about melting ice sculptures and ruined petit fours (hey, while I am re-writing the ending, I might as well redeem Francine too).
Second alternate ending. It turns out Millicent is really a crazy serial killer with a fear of abandonment after she found out her cheating, no good husband was going to leave her. (Thanks Nancy and Michelle’s sister for this idea!) She poisons him and sticks the body in her giant food freezer and proceeded to do the same with several of her male borders when she sensed they were getting ready to move as her mothering turned to smothering. She is already slowing poisoning Sallee which is why he is in a mental fog and ran into the room he just rigged with explosives.
Anyway, moving right along,
Our third place Golden Teacup goes to
**3. Utopia Now – Peter Sacker.**
Oooh – I have a love-hate relationship with Peter. If he and his flunkies had waited one millisecond longer, we would have a confirmed lip lock. But then again, do we really want our first non-cover kiss to be in a damp smelly swamp?
*Photo of “just two people trying to stay warm.” With their lips. Because having hypothermia on the lips can be life threatening.*
But at least with Amanda’s firm throwing down the gauntlet (“Not Exactly”) in the tag, I predict it won’t be long before Lee “Man of Action” decides to kiss her for real. I give it three episodes, tops (Insert huge eyeroll here).
Why did Sacker posthumously vault to 3rd place? Ahh, this is where life imitates art. Remember Sacker’s statement- “Oh boy, where were you four years ago when I was running for office?… If I’d had three more like you in my camp I’d probably be running this whole country by now…”
This proved what a nut job he was. Oh how we laughed, and laughed and laughed. Real tears were rolling down my cheeks. It was totally unbelievable that in four years an outrageous person, with a rabid following and no political experience could, with just a few more people on his campaign and expert media manipulation, become President. Right……. as if that could ever happen – no way someone not well connected in either major party could win the party nomination and then top spot.
SIGH. I guess the last laugh is Sacker’s.
So, taking all of his crackpot statements about being President out of the equation, his plan was pretty solid. Target the powerlines (which would have been a relatively benign act of terror that most of your followers would have okay with) then go after your real target. What was he hoping to gain by killing the president? I don’t think he thought that part out completely, but it’s okay – the most important thing is to get noticed!
*Hey Krutiov! This is the guy that bumped you out of Golden Teacup contention. Too bad he done did blow himself up real good so you can’t practice your hypno psychological mumbo jumbo magic on him.*
And to remind people another reason Sacker ranked so highly — here is the lovely gif IWSOD made about two people just trying to get warm.
Our Runner up for Best of the Baddies for Season Three and will take top spot if for any reason the winner gets disqualified is
**2. The Triumvirate – Jeppard – aka King Cobra**
Jeppard is an assassin for hire who loves killing and is happy to make a profit doing it. (to echo Lee – ‘it’s a job I happen to do well’ but with Jeppard, this is the part he enjoys very much.) You have to admit he is creative with his hits — Omar Kalim takes a dive off the Eiffel Tower and Krakower gets crushed by dozens of beer kegs. (And Lee, as a side note, Krakower being run over by a truck (even though he wasn’t run over by a truck) is not ironic – unless that his M.O was running over people with a truck. If he were crushed to death by American beer kegs on a way to an AA meeting — that would be ironic, or if he had pretended he was a brew master while undercover – that would be ironic or at the very least, poetic justice.)
The skill and knowledge Jeppard has to make the beer kegs guided flying projectiles of death is impressive indeed. I think it is safe to say he did very well in his high school physics class. I think ‘death by flying beer keg’ may supplant ‘death by ice cream truck’ as my favourite murder weapon.
Did you notice his file number is 666?
Nothing obvious at all about this, nothing obvious at all, but it does set up Lee’s ‘deal with the devil’ statement at the end very nicely.
I admire Jeppard’s pragmatism and bluntness. When the ‘good guys’ (Lance and Amanda) are targeted Jeppard calls the triumvirate foursome on their hypocrisy and forces them to get their hands dirty as well.
Though threatening Karl’s grandson was pretty low.
He is seriously a very dangerous and scary dude.
But what really cements Jeppard’s Golden Teacup win and high ranking is when he is laying in the hospital bed, missing a lung, and several arteries and is not expected to live through the night. Does he panic? No siree! He’s been in worse fixes!
I almost believe him. He just wants his 100 000 that was owed to him (not a penny more or a penny less) and with a smirk he’ll be on his way.
Maybe Jeppard knows he is dying and won’t make it, but he is going to the grave preserving the rights of assassins everywhere to get paid for their work.
What do you think? Will Jeppard live to see another day? Will he somehow slip out of the hospital and resume his career? Somehow, I think he did.
And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for…..
The Number One Season Three Baddie is…..
(checks ear piece)…
Oops! Looks like we have run out of time (blame the Nick Cross fiasco!) and will have continue this at the next post.
Are you worried favourite baddie did not make the cut? Who do you think is in the number one spot? Don’t despair, the Numero Uno Season Three Baddie will be revealed, and the coveted “Laser Shark Award” are still to come.