Category Archives: TOPICAL SMK

 The Laser Shark^TM Award

By CindyDee.

I was worried that the inaugural Laser Shark Award would be its last.   Gordon Redding set the bar pretty high and I wasn’t sure any of our Season Three baddies were up to the challenge.

Gordon Redding using the baddie phone and admiring his Laser Shark Award

So, Gordon Redding spends 6 years in prison plotting to avenge his brother’s death. And then he hires Karen to shoot Treloggen, Creadle and Lee Stetson, from a distance. The End. JUST KIDDING!

No, that plan is way too easy and would actually succeed.

A much better way is to pay for Karen’s plastic surgery so she looks like Amanda, have her study Amanda’s habits for months, even down to duplicating those fugly earrings, have her take Amanda’s place and seduce and kill everyone at point blank range.

And when RealAmanda returns early from her camping trip and Karen decides Gordon has to kill her does he:
a. kill her with poison gas or
b. simply knock her out with sleeping gas and hope she gets bitten by a non-poisonous Milk snake? ( I hope he kept his receipt so he could get his money back at the pet store.)

How did he even get a milk snake and knock out gas on such short notice? Nowadays, we could just use Amazon Prime, but back in the 80s? You had to know a guy, who knew a guy…

FUN FACT: Did you know coral snakes fart with a popping sound for defense? Neither did I. See, SMK is educational as well as entertaining! (for more information on snake farts/cloacal popping see http://www.anapsid.org/snakefart.html )

But luckily for all of us, there were enough convoluted episodes in Season Three to give out the award.

Krutiov (current Silver Teaspoon recipient) was in contention, because of all the degrees of freedom involved.
Krutiov manipulated Valentine (by wearing blue suits? I think Krutiov’s master manipulation of Valentine just involved waving a lot of money in front of his face) to manipulate Tony to get to Maria Van Klaussen.  It was pretty far-fetched and you just know Krutiov really enjoyed the challenge of rewriting Tony’s script to get it done (maybe Krutiov is also a frustrated playwright?) But it is not so impressive if you consider that Tony really didn’t love Maria, he loved his play so it wasn’t much of a stretch to get him to betray her and his country. Now if Krutiov was able to manipulate Walter to betray Maria, the woman he loved, then that would have been an impressive feat indeed.  

And, one of the considerations of the Laser Shark Award is there has to be a simpler way to get it done.  If the KGB had grabbed Dr. Van Clausen, having the top Star Wars expert suddenly going missing would have definitely been noticed.  If Krutiov’s plan had worked, then Maria would have spilled the secrets with no-one the wiser.  I am assuming part of the plan was also to kill Tony and make it look like a suicide. (Those press reviews can be so unkind)

 

Serdeych (We’re Off to See the Wizard) was also in contention.

we finally see “Dorothy” and Serdeych
Melissa (I think it was Melissa) wondered if the Russians were going to take top prize, it’s certainly looking that way but the plot is just too complicated and unfocussed for me to really care.  I even watched it again and nope, still don’t care, though I understand if you feel differently. Maybe it was Lee coming quite uncharacteristically undone and blaming Paul for everything bad that ever happened, the fact we didn’t see Serdeych until quite a bit into the episode, or the screaming clues on Serdeyich’s identity that no one picked up on kind of make me feel ‘meh’ about the episode.
Lee: Hi Paul, How’s it going?
Paul: Not good Lee, I’m still trying to find that no-good nasty Serdeych .
Lee: Yes, he sure is heartless. Remember the good old days, in the Oz network and we had Tinman infiltrate the Russians pretending to be on their side? Wow – I wonder who betrayed us to the Russians, it is not like any of us in the Oz network had any way of regularly communicating with them. Paul, why did you give him the code name Tinman, anyway? We all can guess why you tagged me with “Scarecrow”.
Paul: No, actually it was the Russians that gave the Tinman his codename.
Lee: Whoa – that’s pretty wild. I wonder why they named him that. Did Tinman have a heart condition? Because, you know, in the book, the Tinman didn’t have heart.
Paul: Not that I know of. I am still wondering who betrayed us. That was pretty cold and heartless.
Lee: Maybe it was the Cowardly Lion. With a code name like I am not surprised he didn’t last long in the business.

SIGH. Where is the light bulb moment when you need it? And I won’t even go into Lee’s use of phrase “100% correlation”

Yes, I know Tinman was supposedly blown up at the landing strip, but come on! It’s not like you’ve ever heard of people coming back from the dead. For heck’s sake, you’ve even faked your own death.

He does get points for using a doppelganger (which, though not necessary, certainly works in his favour for a Laser Shark Award.)  It just seems too random for the coveted top prize.

Without further ado I present the Laser Shark Award to…..

Gregory (Tale of the Dancing Weasel and Wrong Number)

Drinking tea is for wimps. Laser Shark winners eat caviar and drink the finest brandy.
Look at me, stroking my evil beard!

In the five short months since the airing of “Tale of the Dancing Weasel”, Gregory has
a) been in a Soviet prison for six months
b) blackmailed a high ranking Soviet Politburo official to get released
c) shaved his beard
d) moved back to D.C. to be closer to his tailor (no BadlyDressedBadGuy here!)
e) got his realtor’s license
f) ‘convinced’ the people across the street from the Townes to move (Oh my gosh, I hope they are okay!)
g) fed false information to Rhonda (Oh No! I just realized Lee’s family has been compromised. EEK!)
and maybe even…
h) arranged for Abernathy to get food poisoning / “Turkish Flu” so they could grab Francine instead (hey – his plot is so convoluted and far-fetched, why not throw that into the mix.?)

Phew! That man gets things done.  I am happy if I remember to put my laundry in the dryer.
My only regret is I shaved my beard.

The plot gets WAY more complicated than this, but I am willing to entertain the thought that Gregory was putting this in motion for a long time, even before “Tail of the Dancing Weasel”,  he strikes me as a ‘many irons in the fire’ type of guy. 

Now here is where it veers into Laser Shark territory.

I am not sure where or how he found a Towne lookalike but really, what was the point (other than for Laser Shark purposes)? 

From what I can make of this mess, the US government was supposed to believe that Towne was really a KGB agent (who did not create or have access to secret codes or algorithms that the United States used) This supposed KGB agent and respected professor would happily do his mathing bit in the hopes he would develop a theorem, submit it for publication and wait to see if his formulas get classified for being too close to the real thing so he could run those over to the Soviet embassy. Seems like a needle in a haystack to me.

And I don’t really understand the need for the Wally Tuttle persona and putting Towne’s fingerprints and fibers in the condominium and faking his death notice.   Just plant evidence that Towne is KGB and grab him. Or knock him out and slip him some déjà vu drug or whatever Frank Duran used. Easy Peasy and no one is the wiser.

No, I think Gregory loves the thrill of the game so much, he couldn’t resist a plot (the more convoluted the better) to get the best of Billy.   If Gregory were playing chess, not only would he be thinking 5 moves ahead in the current game, he would be plotting his moves 5 games from now. Until we met again, Billy Melrose!

A worthy Laser Shark winner. (except for the fact he tried to have Harry V. Thornton killed, that was not nice.)

A huge thank-you to all of you for tuning in, and of course, my undying gratitude to IWSOD and this wonderful blog.

Please share any thoughts you have about whether Gregory was truly deserving of the Laser Shark Award!

Until we met again, ta ta for now!
CindyDee

(Doing my best Majel Barrett impression) Last time on the Golden Teacup Awards….

The Francine Fashion Faux Pas meme was alive and well in Season Three. The JustWalkWithMe family erupted in chaos arguing whether this was enough evidence to tip Francine into the BadlyDressedBadGuy territory. Several of us suffered PTSD flashbacks as we may or may not have worn similar outfits back in the day. Silver teaspoons (so close yet so far!) were awarded to Donna Clayton, Carla, Nick Cross, Frank Duran and Kenneth Clayton Dobbs. Krutiov threw a temper tantrum when he realized he missed a Golden Teacup by this much and is actively campaigning to get a recount. Golden Teacups were awarded to Daisy “Not-a-hair-out-of-place” Dispatch, Steven Sallee, Peter Sacker and Jeppard aka the King Cobra. When Jeppard realized he missed top baddie, he just smirked. Somehow I don’t think he really cares.

And now the conclusion….

The last Golden Teacup and the title of Top Season Three Baddie goes to…

Three Little Spies – Pam “Ms Machiavelli” Gentry

not a baddie phone

Evil Pam’s evil plan (say that 5 times fast) was two years in the making, which is really impressive unless you consider Frank “Puff the Magic Dragon” Duran’s 20 year plan for revenge or Kenneth Clayton-Dobbs happily wreaking havoc on world economies for 3 decades.  Then again, neither Duran nor KCD had to spend time with Randall “Groovy” Skylar (or it that Skylar “Groovy” Randall?) I am sure those two years with this guy felt like a very, very long time.

And after those very long two years of working closely with Randall/Skylar and listening to “Barbed Wire Love” for the millionth time, I can’t blame her for being a little stabby near the end.
I certainly would be tempted. 

Here is why Pam is Numero Uno.

She’s an arms dealer of world renown and was already a ‘much sought after enemy of the (Soviet) State’. This is an impressive accomplishment, because unlike the Golden Teacups, the Russians don’t bestow that title willy nilly on just anyone.

She stole or arranged for the stealing of nuclear detonators. (I sincerely hope it was not at a facility Lee designed the security for, EEP! I cannot handle a petulant Lee like we had in “The Artful Dodger”.)

She then went quiet after her big score, but somehow managed to meet and convince Skylar to front her “Food for Flight” organization, whose sole purpose of raising funds and collecting food is to smuggle those detonators to Pakistan.

No one can argue that Pam is not hyper organized. The skill it takes to run a not-for-profit of this size (and an illegal arms smuggling business) is huge. Though I do wonder how much Rajmand was willing to pay her, it would seem very easy, safer and potentially more profitable to have “Food For Flight” pay her an exorbitant salary like many of the other charities. Maybe she needs the challenge.

Would her complicated plot make her worthy of the Laser Shark Award? It certainly has a delicious irony in her plan (using US Air force to smuggle the detonators, and having the Congressmen’s wives and First Lady support a charity that was supplying nuclear weapons to their enemies). She doesn’t mind having to do good (in her mind, a necessary evil) if that means she can get her detonators smuggled– to Pam, the end always justify the means.
I thought about it, and (because I am totally making this up as a I go along) and have decided she doesn’t qualify because she is too pragmatic and her plot had a plausible chance of succeeding. Only two things stood in her way Rajmand and Ronald Reagan.

Rajmand, though enthusiastic, was not the brightest bulb. As evidence, I present to you his LAME-O assassination attempt at the taco stand – he deliberately runs into another car to force it to run over our superspy trio. What an amateur!
In case you are not convinced, here is a shot when he drove the conveniently available airplane fuel truck over the conveniently placed cliff. Oh my heck, I shouldn’t laugh, but really! It was probably Rajmand who insisted on smuggling out the first detonator early that tipped their hand in the first place.
But the liability of dealing with Rajmand wouldn’t derail her perfectly laid plans. She calculated that smuggling out the first detonator was low risk even if discovered. In her wildest dreams, she never would have expected Reagan to own up the theft to the Chinese and Russian leaders. Smart money would be on the deny, Deny, DENY! tactic. Even then, it took three enemy governments and their best intelligence agents and three incredibly smart and resourceful women working together to take her down.  

She originally lost points through how easily she gave up the information to Nadine, but I figured Nadine probably had access to of Krutiov’s Deja Vu drug so Pam couldn’t help spilling about truck 52.
If Pam didn’t win the Laser Shark Award, then who did?…….
Come back for the final post in the Season 3 Golden Teacup Awards to find out!

Please share any thoughts you have about the top Baddie for Season Three!
CindyDee

And, without further ado (honest, I mean it this time!)

The Third “Annual”

Golden Teacup Awards ^TM

(For Real!)

 

 

*Disclaimer and other legal stuff:  Scoring criteria for the Golden Teacup Awards will be held to the same rigorous standard as Olympic Russian Ice Dancing Judges and will be as clear and transparent (and make as much sense) as the plot of “We’re Off to See the Wizard.” Results have been verified by Warren Beatty and the accounting firm of Price-Waterhouse because they did such a bang up job at the Oscars this year. (Yes, I am blaming Warren and not Faye Dunaway.    ‘Wow, I think something is wrong with the ballot, instead of calling someone over for clarification, I’ll just hand it to Faye without telling her I think something is wrong.  It is not like there is any chance she will think I can’t read the print, or am being a gentleman and letting her announce the winner.  What could possibly go wrong?’  Not cool Warren, not cool!).   I am also getting feedback that some of you would spring the unholy trio of Nick Cross, Eva Spinelli and Sinclair (and probably General Zod while you are at it!) from the Phantom Zone and give them awards.  Maybe we can do a fan favourite or a March Madness bracket type awards show for your input.*

 

Again, I am your host CindyDee and I am pleased to FINALLY announce the Golden Teacup winners for Season Three.

 

The Golden Teacups had its illustrious start several (which means in I am too lazy to look up the exact date) years ago when IWSOD and the readers of Justwalkwithme realized that SMK had its own baddie short hand to identify villains.  It is too predictable and boring just to use sinister music or lighting to indicate the bad guys, the writers give us a heads up that these people are up to no good with the following clues:
The Badlydressedbad guy^TM  (BDBG)– as the show starts to take itself more seriously, we see less of the BDBG , this meme was more prevalent in season one and early season two.
If the antagonist was more cultured and refined, we got treated to the sight of the Baddie Phone^TM and/or an elaborate tea service for which the Golden Teacup Awards are named.

 

(Even though the award is called the Golden Teacup, it is not necessary for the recipient to be spotted drinking tea, but it certainly doesn’t hurt his or her chances to be caught doing so!)

 

Our Fifth place Golden Teacup award is awarded to

 

**5. Reach for the Sky – Daisy**

Daisy is a lean, mean, French braided, fighting machine and she doesn’t even have a last name.  Heck, with someone as awesome as she is, doesn’t need one!!  I love the contradiction between her name and the kick ass assassin she is. 

 

 

She is a one person HR department – problems with your underlings?  No problem — call Daisy and she will ‘dispatch’ them for you! 

 

Oh oh – looks like someone is going to get a warning for substandard performance.  I wonder if this will go on his permanent record?

Yep.  I doubt anyone will be hiring Zorbel anytime soon after that reprimand.

 

Don’t bother with ineffective written warnings, Daisy will show ‘your pain in the neck employee’ what that phrase truly means.

 

Daisy Dispatch is Charles Canaan’s right hand ‘man’ – she is Francine’s counterpart but more hands on, more respected and waaaaaaay better dressed than her (for all you Francine fans out there – don’t blame me;  blame the writers! And the wardrobe department!).

  

Our gal Daisy is a hyper competent assassin who is as comfortable behind a computer screen setting up a satellite link to steal a billion dollars

 

 

as she is handling a gun or engaging in hand to hand combat

 

 

*and not a hair out of place.  How does she do that?*

 

Of course I was not happy she beat the snot out of StuntLee, but it was impressive none-the-less. 

 

When Billy went rogue (coincidently in the same episode), the whole agency quickly fell apart with Francine at the helm.  I get the feeling that in a similar situation, Daisy would run the organization with a ruthless efficiency until the boss returned.

 

Alas, she was no match for Amanda’s station wagon’s door.

 

 

Don’t worry Daisy fans this is stuntDaisy.  (Still a decent French braid)  I think real Daisy is just tired and wants to take a nap

 

*Still not a hair out of place!*

 

Being a One Woman Show of Awesome all the time must be exhausting!

 

Our 4^th place Golden Teacup Award goes to

 

**4. Dead Men Leave No Trails Steven Sallee/ ‘Alan’**

 

Seriously, Amanda, whenever anyone introduces himself as Alan – you run for the hills, or at the very least call for backup. Because if Alan is not trouble, trouble is certainly following close by.  We had previous season one winner Alan Squires/Art Garfunkel, (the Artful Dodger)

 

*Look!  A Baddie drinking from a Teacup!*

 

who squeaked in my top 5 by decking petulant whiny cranky boy Lee and Season Three Alan ‘The Chin’ Chamberlain (A Lovely Little Affair)

 

 

who takes time out from worrying his kidnapped baby sister may be killed at any moment to hit on Amanda.   His brotherly concern is so touching *eyeroll*.

 

One of the reasons ‘Alan’/ Sallee cracks the top five because of his eyes, those intense, unblinking,  menacing eyes.   Sallee meeting Amanda for the second time

 

He is definitely not a happy camper

 

Here is a closer look.

 

 

Pretty spooky, right?  They made such an impression on Amanda (burning into her psyche and ours) that she was able to recognize him from a blurry slide while she was standing at the back of a room and she couldn’t even see his eyes properly in the photo.   Dang!  She is good!

 

 

 

**Steven Sallee Fun Fact!**

*Did you know that Steven still holds the record for longest unbeaten streak in staring contests at his elementary and junior high schools?  He was defeated once in high school (he was suffering a nasty case of pink eye at the time,) but regained the title when the winner suddenly disappeared under mysterious circumstances and didn’t show up for the rematch.*

 

Sallee was a consummate cold blooded killer who faked his death and bedazzled the lonely and slightly crazy Millicent as he plotted his triumphant comeback and revenge.  He gets serious points for having electricity as a hobby (okay, Millicent. Nothing weird about that) and being able to manufacture some light bulbs out of explosives that look close enough and functional enough to the real thing that no one notices the switch.  He also gains cred by somehow getting the reception switched *back* to the hotel he was working at.   Or maybe he was working *all* the hotels in the area, carefully juggling his shifts so he could make sure he could pull the old ‘light bulb switcheroo’.  This is a very busy and superorganized guy.

 

*Poor Millicent — not a teadrinking baddie…… Or is she?*

 

Why is Steven/Alan so low in the rankings when many of us thought he was a contender for top spot?  He lost some serious BadBoy cred in my books by coming undone in the end and for some bizarre reason decides to kill everyone who has ever seen him so as not to draw attention to himself.  Because nothing allows you to fly under the radar like a trail of dead bodies, especially *after* your victims had already talked to the person tracking you. (Unfortunately, I do believe Millicent was doomed the moment he answered her ‘room for rent’ ad, but why was the sandwich guy killed?)  He further slipped in the rankings by running into the room he forgot he had rigged up to explode — and why did he set the timer to go off so soon after the reception started?  You know those things always run late!  These really bad, unforgivable rookie mistakes cost Sallee the top spot.

 

GAH!  I am really itching to rewrite the ending.  Sallee showed such promise and totally fizzled in the end.  Here are a few alternatives:  Sallee takes Van Cleef hostage instead of Francine, tries to escape through rear doors but they are blocked by the cart of lobster tails (the coincidences are already so unbelievable in this episode, might as well add a few more!).  Francine sees the lights flicker, jumps in and rescues Van Kleef , pushing him under a table and they and they leave the ballroom still bickering about melting ice sculptures and ruined petit fours (hey, while I am re-writing the ending, I might as well redeem Francine too). 

 

Second alternate ending.  It turns out Millicent is really a crazy serial killer with a fear of abandonment after she found out her cheating, no good husband was going to leave her.  (Thanks Nancy and Michelle’s sister for this idea!) She poisons him and sticks the body in her giant food freezer and proceeded to do the same with several of her male borders when she sensed they were getting ready to move as her mothering turned to smothering.   She is already slowing poisoning Sallee which is why he is in a mental fog and ran into the room he just rigged with explosives.   

 

Anyway, moving right along,

 

Our third place Golden Teacup goes to

**3. Utopia Now – Peter Sacker.**  

 

 

Oooh – I have a love-hate relationship with Peter.  If he and his flunkies had waited one millisecond longer, we would have a confirmed lip lock.  But then again, do we really want our first non-cover kiss to be in a damp smelly swamp?

 

*Photo of “just two people trying to stay warm.”  With their lips. Because having hypothermia on the lips can be life threatening.*

 

But at least with Amanda’s firm throwing down the gauntlet (“Not Exactly”) in the tag, I predict it won’t be long before Lee “Man of Action” decides to kiss her for real.  I give it three episodes, tops (Insert huge eyeroll here).

 

Why did Sacker posthumously vault to 3^rd place?  Ahh, this is where life imitates art.  Remember Sacker’s statement-   “Oh boy, where were you four years ago when I was running for office?… If I’d had three more like you in my camp I’d probably be running this whole country by now…” 

This proved what a nut job he was.  Oh how we laughed, and laughed and laughed.  Real tears were rolling down my cheeks.  It was totally unbelievable that in four years an outrageous person, with a rabid following and no political experience could, with just a few more people on his campaign and expert media manipulation, become President.  Right……. as if that could ever happen – no way someone not well connected in either major party could win the party nomination and then top spot. 

 

SIGH.  I guess the last laugh is Sacker’s.

 

So, taking all of his crackpot statements about being President out of the equation, his plan was pretty solid. Target the powerlines (which would have been a relatively benign act of terror that most of your followers would have okay with) then go after your real target.  What was he hoping to gain by killing the president?  I don’t think he thought that part out completely, but it’s okay – the most important thing is to get noticed!

 

 

 

*Hey Krutiov!  This is the guy that bumped you out of Golden Teacup contention.  Too bad he done did blow himself up real good so you can’t practice your hypno psychological mumbo jumbo magic on him.*

 

 

And to remind people another reason Sacker ranked so highly — here is the lovely gif IWSOD made about two people just trying to get warm.

 

Our Runner up for Best of the Baddies for Season Three and will take top spot if for any reason the winner gets disqualified is

 

**2. The Triumvirate – Jeppard – aka King Cobra**

 

Jeppard is an assassin for hire who loves killing and is happy to make a profit doing it. (to echo Lee – ‘it’s a job I happen to do well’ but with Jeppard, this is the part  he enjoys very much.)   You have to admit he is creative with his hits — Omar Kalim takes a dive off the Eiffel Tower and Krakower gets crushed by dozens of beer kegs.  (And Lee, as a side note, Krakower being run over by a truck (even though he wasn’t run over by a truck) is not ironic – unless that his M.O was running over people with a truck.  If he were crushed to death by American beer kegs on a way to an AA meeting — that would be ironic, or if he had pretended he was a brew master while undercover – that would be ironic or at the very least, poetic justice.)

 

The skill and knowledge Jeppard has to make the beer kegs guided flying projectiles of death is impressive indeed.  I think it is safe to say he did very well in his high school physics class.  I think ‘death by flying beer keg’ may supplant ‘death by ice cream truck’ as my favourite murder weapon.

 

Did you notice his file number is 666? 

Nothing obvious at all about this, nothing obvious at all, but it does set up Lee’s ‘deal with the devil’ statement at the end very nicely. 

 

I admire Jeppard’s pragmatism and bluntness.  When the ‘good guys’ (Lance and Amanda) are targeted Jeppard calls the triumvirate foursome on their hypocrisy and forces them to get their hands dirty as well. 

 

 

Though threatening Karl’s grandson was pretty low.

 

He is seriously a very dangerous and scary dude.

 

But what really cements Jeppard’s Golden Teacup win and high ranking is when he is laying in the hospital bed, missing a lung, and several arteries and is not expected to live through the night.  Does he panic? No siree! He’s been in worse fixes! 

 

I almost believe him.  He just wants his 100 000 that was owed to him (not a penny more or a penny less) and with a smirk he’ll be on his way. 

Maybe Jeppard knows he is dying and won’t make it, but he is going to the grave preserving the rights of assassins everywhere to get paid for their work.

What do you think?  Will Jeppard live to see another day?  Will he somehow slip out of the hospital and resume his career?  Somehow, I think he did.

 

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for…..

The Number One Season Three Baddie is…..

(checks ear piece)…
Oops!  Looks like we have run out of time (blame the Nick Cross fiasco!) and will have continue this at the next post. 

 

Are you worried favourite baddie did not make the cut? Who do you think is in the number one spot? Don’t despair, the Numero Uno Season Three Baddie will be revealed, and the coveted “Laser Shark Award” are still to come.