Second (sort of) Annual GOLDEN TEACUP AWARDS Continued..
By Cindy Davis
There are a few more awards to present for Season Two!
aka the Silver Teaspoon award.
These are the villains that almost made the cut. Not outstanding enough to rate a Golden Tea Cup Award, but more memorable than your average villain.
Charity Begins at Home – Jerry Perrine (Jason Evers)
Yes I know this was supposed to be the finale for season one, but the powers that be decided to air it in season two. Jerry makes the cut for his fashion style. It takes real chutzpah to pull off all those different polka dots.
Very impressive indeed (sadly, I think this might be the last sighting of an SMK badlydressedbadguy). Plus I liked the plot — controlling nitrogen fixing bacteria to manipulate crops to turn a profit without regard to the devastation it would cause — Unfortunately, very believable. Not convinced? Check out the story behind Klebsiella planticola or just recall a few short years ago when several financial corporations profited during the global meltdown of 2008 that they help cause and they didn’t even have to wait for a crop to fail.
The Times, They are a Changing – Baron von Snob and Ortiz the flutey boy.
The fearsome threesome made such a good team that I hated to split them up, but Inga was just too awesome to be relegated to silver teaspoon status.
Baron Von Snob (Sky du Mont) made almost made the cut especially since his impeccable manners and OCD about neatness fulfilled major SMK Baddie stereotypes.
I guess it is safe to say you would not find any white cats in his evil lair. On the other hand, if he did have a white shedding cat, he would be too busy picking up hairs to take over the world or whatever he was trying to do.
Ortiz the Flutey Boy (Kevork Malikyan) — seriously, the most ANNOYING bad guy ever (I think Paula came up with his nickname). I really do think that tin flute/recorder should be listed in the Geneva Convention banned torture methods right after waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and being forced listening to ‘MiniPops” albums.
I am sure Amanda couldn’t even properly enjoy being tied up to Lee all night with “Au Clair de La Lune” being played by Ortiz (yes, I know it wasn’t “Au Clair de La Lune”, but I am not going back to the episode to figure out the song. You can’t make me, you can’t make me, you can’t make me!”)
Ship of Spies – Captain Googly Eyes (Sid Haig?)
As a baddie, unmemorable (even IMDB doesn’t list the character name) so I had to gird my loins and watch the episode again (oh how I suffer for my craft!) but if it weren’t for him we wouldn’t have the fabulous cover wedding and the kiss-that-did-not-affect-Lee-at-all-not-at-all-I-tell-you!
I can even forgive him for forcing Lee to wear eye shadow — the kiss was THAT good!
[iwsod: err.. you mean this kiss Cindy?!! we just gotta have a pic of it!! – any excuse!! 🙂 ]
Oh, and I finally did get a close up of old Googly Eyes and his name plate — turns out he is Mr. Gretz and merely Engine Room Chief. Captain Googly Eyes — you’ve been demoted!
Car Wars – Nick Falcone (Anthony Ponzoni)
His one line “Cocaine, Mrs. King. OOOOOH. ” has me rolling in the aisles and earns him a silver teaspoon.
I love me a sarcastic passive aggressive baddie. Too bad Frankie Columbus locked up the mafia stereotype bad guy niche in LOTP.
Now at the risk of running over the time slot and causing the networks and people recording the ceremony on their PVRs grief, I just had to add one more category for a baddie that was so incredible, he had to be recognized.
Laser Shark Award
Here is the movie clip that inspired the award.
And the award for the stupidest “We’ll kill the hero with sharks with lasers attached to their heads instead of just shooting the poor slob” Trophy goes to *DRUM ROLL!!!”
Odds on a Dead Pigeon – Gordon Redding (Dennis Lipscomb)!
Gordon was the runaway winner (Baron Von Lint with his “Just leave our heroes tied up and alone, what could possibly go wrong”?” and Robert Castille “Let’s tie Amanda to a laundry conveyer belt so I can make a really bad pun” were tied for a distant second.)
Gordon continues the time honoured traditions of classic Bond villains, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz (from Phineas and Ferb) and Wile E. Coyote with his elaborate plots. He had the award pretty much wrapped up with his “Find an assassin with Amanda’s exact build and colouring, find an unethical, but highly skilled plastic surgeon to do the surgery to make the assassin an exact duplicate of Amanda so she can kill the agents responsible for his brother’s death” plot. Did he stop with his Karen plot? Nope! Our wonderful, overachieving bad guy upped the ante with his HAND DELIVERED package with gas to kill Amanda.
Poison gas? No – too easy! Gas that instead of killing Amanda merely knocked her out so a perfectly harmless milk snake could well, I am not sure what the milk snake would do…..,
but so many details for Gordon to keep track of, it’s not surprising some of them slipped through his hands. And in all fairness that ‘red next to black or yellow’ rhyme is hard to remember, no wonder Gordon got confused.
I’m going to go out on a limb here, but Gordon, it’s probably fair to say you tend to overthink things a wee bit. You should have taken up a hobby in prison or studied Ockham’s razor.
The only thing that would have made his plot even more awesome if he had put a gun in the box and had spent months training the not-a-coral snake to aim and shoot it.
I would like to thank IWSOD for indulging my ramblings and allowing me to use her awesome screen caps.
What do you all think? Any different villains make your top 5 (6)? Honourable mentions? Did I miss a Laser Shark opportunity?
What I would like to do for next season is open up the voting for the GTA for all of us fine folk. Thoughts?
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I love these awards. It is such a great thing that we have so many talented SMK fans. I think all of our combined talents are making this show even better. Is that possible? Thank you Cindy 🙂
You’ve nailed it Cindy! Times they are a changin truly did have some fascinating baddies!!! And when you stop and think about it – even the guy they were trying to help, Haddie, had been a bad guy up to that point.. interesting!
flutey boy? rofl!!! Love it!! good one Paula.
Whooo I did like Gretz in Ship of spies.. well.. I just liked ship of spies! 🙂 and any excuse to post the kissing pic again! 🙂
But really.. what a fabulous name for a bad guy.. and he hammed it up perfectly.
Actually, Miles was a really great bad guy too – I’d nominate him for an honourable mention.
So fawning, bumbling and stupid in his 1970s tuxedo.. and then so ruthless once his true nature was revealed.. I think I was impressed with this character and his transformation.
Loved the sharks with laser beams! Err I mean.. sea bass! mutated sea bass! mutated sea bass that were ill tempered!!
Genius!!! you know.. with being asked to accept that Karen had had plastic surgery to look just like Amanda? I am surprised they didn’t think to try this!
The only other ‘shark with Laser beams’ moment I can think of in season 2 is the extremely lame tying up of Amanda in the Teldar Quarry in You Only Die Twice-[I think that’s why they had Lee in his black jumpsuit: to distract us!] As that slow as a snail bulldozer approaches the boulders and the ledge to dump them on Amanda?? we were suppose to feel suspense?? rofl.. it truly was lame!
Oh you’re welcome Cindy! I love to read your posts! Anytime!!! and that goes for everyone!! 🙂 byeee
head smack * Yes, I totally forgot about the very slow moving bulldozer for contention of the Laser Shark Award, which, if was successful would have made Amanda’s death look accidental. Especially since she was in the middle of a quarry. With her hands tied behind her back. And wasn’t the quarry owned by the baddies? Nothing suspicious about that at all.
My only defense is that Lee in the black jumpsuit tends to wipe everything else about that episode from my mind.
You know Cindy, I would have loved to see you write about that scene..You always put such a brilliantly funny slant on things!
I am sure you would have lots of fun with it! Heck.. if you’d like to write about it- we can add it to your post.. [your post is perfect and doesn’t need it- just letting you know we can add to it if you like]
Ah! the black jumpsuit defence huh! 😉 I’ve been looking at the black jumpsuit for a milli-second once a day – In hopes of building up a resistance to it.. and failing miserable or should I say happily? 😉
I think I remembered Amanda vs the bulldozer because I didn’t go look at the episode and see Lee- I just remembered: Amanda. Bulldozer. lame. hilarious!
– with no thought of the distractor that is the Lee in the black jumpsuit! 🙂
Oh, yes! I second the Teldar baddies nomination for a second Laser Shark Award!!! face-palm
“It takes real chutzpah to pull off all those different polka dots.”
Bwah hah hah hah hah!!!
I absolutely love this, Cindy! STANDING OVATION from here in the cheap seats!
Laser shark award — all I can say is: ROFL!!!
I agree with KC! I loved that observation also! good call!!
Lol! I forgot about Flutey-boy. He might have my vote for baddie that gets in your head like a bad show tune and won’t leave. 😀 Long live the recorder!
Love your awards Cindy! Gordon is such a dill, he’d probably try to train the snake if you suggest it to him. 😉
Sadly, we may have to retire the Laser Shark Award as I think the dastardly plots in season 3 and 4 become more realistic (I am ever so SSSSSSSLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOWWWWYYYYYY making my way through the rest of the episodes). Gordon certainly set the bar really, really high. I think I have to rename the award to the Gordon Redding Laser Shark Award.
Awesome Cindy! Another fab baddie post. Yes, agree, Gordon Redding is in a class of his own when it comes to stupid elaborate evil plans.
The only thing that would have made his plot even more awesome if he had put a gun in the box and had spent months training the not-a-coral snake to aim and shoot it. ROFL. I’m surprised he didn’t! 😀